I have an idea in my mind of something I observed, something spinning, and it would reach a point where it hesitated and spun back in the opposite direction. It’s been that sort of day. I slowed, stopped, changed course.
I have surrounded myself with more quiet today than I generally have been of late. Usually I play music, often randomly, skipping what doesn’t suit my mood. Today I listened to the sound of the house and the world around the house drifting in. Tonight I was ready for music again, but I wanted to be wrapped in sound that enhanced the feeling of today: slow, but not sleepy; aware and undisturbed. I listened to Sheila Chandra and I wrote a short piece of erotica and then read ostensibly unerotic writing which nonetheless delighted me in the sensuality of its good form.
I am aware of my vacation which will be starting in a few days. It’s like seeing not just the coastline you’ve been sailing towards, but the actual beach where you’ll come up on the sand.
In the last 30 hours I have been the person I want to be, in the place I want to be, making choices which feel absolutely right. I am calm, centered, content.
What do I love? Who do I want to share my time with? When do I feel most myself? How can I pare what surrounds me down to just that which is right in this moment? Why am I doing anything that doesn’t bring me this?
You may find, like me, that you can be extraordinarily selfish, indulge yourself, without making any demands on anyone else. They may, in fact, think that you’ve given them something. [Afterthought: it could be that it only appears this way if what you wanted to indulge in was directing your energy outward. Perhaps they thought I gave them something because I did.]
Ah, there is one exception to that view of my time since my party started yesterday. This afternoon Judith kindly indulged my sudden, childlike, greedy desire for a small scarf made from a particular yarn we saw when visiting Imagi-knit. I bought her some new needles and promised either a pot of tea or a cocktail when it’s done. Seems like I’m getting a great deal, but perhaps she is showing me my own principle in action.