Jay Allen suggested a good way to help improve your chances of getting what you really want: Think of and write down every great quality of every person you’ve dated and everyone you really respect. Even write down qualities which you think you want, but perhaps have never encountered.
Next consider whether you would be completely satisfied in a relationship with someone who had the others but didn’t have that quality. If you wouldn’t, put a checkmark by it. Continue on through the list making this evaluation. These checked ones are your needs. The others are desires; nice to have but not the things that make or break relationships.
Sure, you can have good short term relationships with folks who don’t meet all your needs, but it probably wouldn’t work out in the long term. Never assume you can change them to meet your needs. Trust your list and be honest with yourself about the potential & your hopes for a relationship when you enter it.
I’m going to start this exercise. First, I need to list things that I really value in a relationship…
(note:
I use the male pronoun here not because I’m opposed to being with a woman, but because I’ve always fallen in love with men and when I imagine my life partner, it’s a man).
I want to share my life with someone who
– is a basically happy person who takes joy in life
– takes childlike pleasure in small things around him
– is physically affectionate, giving and enjoying receiving small touches, smiles, little kisses, cuddles, hand-holding, spooning, etc.
– is emotionally available, interested in exploring and sharing his feelings
– is energized by sharing his life with me, wants a strong, committed long-term relationship with me
– is intellectually stimulating, knowledgable and prone to think things through
– is sexually exciting to me and me to him, has a sex drive that is in sync with mine and shares some of my favorite activities
– is playful both in general and in bed, but not a teaser or mocker or just a crude buffoon
– is witty and fond of references (literary, pop culture, inside jokes, heh and also dictionaries, encyclopedias & all those other reference materials)
– is nice to cuddle and hang out with
– is sweet and kind and gentle
– is sensual, enjoys being touched and touching as well as more abstract forms of sensuality (hot tubs, candlelight, dark chocolate, sleeping in, cooking with really fresh high-quality ingredients, etc.)
– is dramatic, but not a drama queen
– is a bit of a popinjay, enjoying dressing up, feeling handsome or even pretty
– is creative
– is eclectically geeky and is energized by the company of other eclectic geeks
– is just plain fun to be around
– loves life and extends that warmth to the world around him
– cares about people and the world
– stands by his convictions
– is self-aware and continually growing
– is self-loving, not self-destructive or self-suppressing
– is comfortable with his sexuality and emotions and doesn’t care if it conforms to anyone else’s idea of what is "manly"
– is comfortable with his body and with nudity and human bodies in general, won’t get freaked about my period or if I have to use the toilet while he’s taking a shower
– takes care of his body, not compulsively but in a way that will keep him from having big health problems later or being unpleasant to be intimate with now (e.g. brushes & flosses his teeth, washes thoroughly, eats fruits & vegetables, doesn’t eat crappy food all the time)
– actively enjoys the Web and Webfolk
– has some experience or at least openess to polyamorous relationships, understands that love is not finite and that crushes happen even in the middle of other loving relationships [though I have realized that this is less essential to me than I thought; I think the minimum requirement is someone who isn’t threatened by "window shopping". I can certainly be monogamous, but I’m also human and don’t want to give up the pleasure of admiring pretty people at a distance.] [My tendency toward monogamy appears to be increasing with age, though perhaps it’s just a pendulum swing.]
– kisses competently
– is turned off by pain and humiliation (or at least isn’t turned on by it)
– is willing to match my putting 50-70% into the relationship, will initiate things, will do his share of the commuting to be together before we live together, wants to build something strong & is willing to put time & energy into it
– has some experience with good communication and the patience to work things through, is able to cope with my emotions coming out in a rush sometimes
– is comfortable with the idea of never having children
– recognizes when things are making him uncomfortable and will actively seek to negotiate a better outcome rather than lumping it and resenting it
– doesn’t harbor grudges, hasn’t got a brown stamp collection
– appreciates small kindnesses, both receiving and giving (including random acts of kindness towards strangers)
– will spontaneously talk about things he likes and express his pleasure, is more likely to praise than criticize (himself, me, other people, the world…)
– is unafraid of falling in love
– doesn’t use the same catchphrases over and over and over
– loves being read aloud to, likes reading aloud, likes sharing interesting things (hearing what I just read in some weblog, telling me about the dream he had last night, laughes aloud at something he misread on a sign and tells me why he’s laughing, likes to hear the story that goes with the old picture I just found…)
– sings (even if he’s not that great at it) and encourages me to sing
– likes my family and friends
– had a happy childhood
– will have answers for questions like "What books did you like as a kid?", likes the library and bookstores
– isn’t driven by money but knows how to manage it reasonably well
– has friends and interests of his own and expects that I will too
– enjoys being alone sometimes and expects that I will too
– loves to come up with ideas and work on projects together