A pleasant conundrum

What does one do when a lost love returns 2 years later? We were both attracted still, I think. That instant recognition was still there. “That spark…”

He either has the ability to delude completely or he is honestly a very nice guy. I don’t know what it is about him, but as soon as I saw him (oh yes, him=[my first steady boyfriend]). I was back in a flirtatious and loving mood. It felt very natural to put my arm through his while we walked and, I think, we both wanted to sit and talk and work it all out (and kiss and make up?!)

He’s very large (body-wise, not other unimportant measurements). He has such a nice smile though. He smiles with his whole face and my heart turns right over when he does it.

I think I remember. He has dark skin, though not so dark as [Southern Faire fling, who would have been more but for distance]. Perhaps [first steady boyfriend] and [previous dysfunctional relationship] fit “my type” better.

We met at the party after grand ring-out [the end of Renaissance Pleasure Faire]. His leg was injured, but he swept me off my feet and carried me down the hill. We went down to the boat and had lots of fun exploring (inside w/ no shirts. Yo ho ho!)

But his parents. Hmmm. Although I couldn’t stand [previous good relationship]’s at first too… They didn’t decide they couldn’t stand me, however. [First steady boyfriend] better tell me the whole story. We’re both much older now.

Hmmm… character ideas! An ensign of the Company of Foot wouldn’t be a bad husband for Jayne [my Faire character]… (I don’t think so, anyway). Depends on relations betwixt [first steady boyfriend] & myself. Deciding between Frederick [another Faire persona] & [fsb]’s character & ? would be a great [improv theatre] bit. (“Who do you think I should marry?”)

More kindly than I recall it being

I really don’t think [previous dysfunctional relationship]’s breaking up with [girlfriend he claimed for months to be splitting up with] at all. My heart has switched. I wonder if that means I never really cared. I don’t think so. He was very special, but I don’t know if I love him anymore. [Previous good relationship] and I have something much more special and personal.

And what will happen with [guy of the moment]? There was a spark. Whether we are compatible is another question. As is how great a spark it is.

I am a dreamer.

Living on fire

I suppose I’ll have to work out another time to get that dress, unless Shelley meets me at Snapdragon at noon…

I wonder if [guy of the moment] will come to Faire?

What am I going to do with all this passion? I want someone to flirt with! I don’t want this time while I feel like a flame to go to waste!

I haven’t heard from [previous unhealthy relationship, guy I wrote in Tengwar about] yet. I wonder if I will.

I want to learn more about [guy of the moment]. Learning someone’s ways is always exciting. If we [my family] weren’t going to Kauai I might go mad this summer. Jinx is being weird. (Perhaps I’m being oversensitive). [Heh. In retrospect I’d bet on the latter]

Damn, I don’t know what was so sexy about [guy of the moment]’s posture in class with those rainboots of his. I wish I’d been sitting a bit further back…

I should bring this journal to Scotland [crossed out] (wishful thinking) Kauai with me. Damn, I know I was thinking of something and now I can’t remember what it was! Now I remember. I was going to reread the first part of this.

I could go back to SC [Santa Cruz] now, were it not for Faire. I make more money there anyway. I will get a camping pass for Faire, I think. Maybe. I don’t know what to do about Rich Acheleta. Hopefully he’ll find his way to Faire. [Can’t remember this person or his context. Someone from school maybe?]

I think I’m going to be disappointed with [guy of the moment]. I dream too much. I’m not used to not being involved. Bullshit. I’ve always dreamed a lot. I don’t want to get re-involved with [previous good relationship], or [previous dysfunctional relationship]. Well, actually, [previous dysfunctional relationship] and I could have wild orgies and remain fairly uninvolved. What am I to do with all this passion?!

Thinking about a cute boy

I dreamt about [guy of the moment] this morning. Very gentle and loving. All newly in love and fluttery and lusty. Here I go again. And then the postcard arrived.

London in June is rather crowded, but it’s LONDON!

And he signed it “Love,”. Of course, I do that too, but it’s nice anyway. I just hope I don’t blow it by dreaming. He is a rather nice subject for fantasies, but if they screw up a good friendship that would be rather bad. I do enjoy falling in love (I keep wanting to capitalize Love!). Ah, what a silly creature I am, but happy.

About the dream: I wonder what the Freudian significance of malfunctioning elevators is? Not the box kind, it was sort of an expanded wire cage.

Freshman Lovesickness

[It’s July 1st, 2003, and I’m filling in my history. I have a journal, which was apparently a going-away-to-college gift, and the first entries in it, after all the “planning list” sort of entries are written in Tengwar. So I started translating them. As near as I can tell (since I was apparently using some odd numbering scheme), they date to late January/early February 1984. To my great disappointment, they are entirely devoted to gushing over this guy I was obsessed with and go something like this:]

[The guy of the moment] is a very nice man; beautiful eyes, a sweet smile [or possibly smell; Tengwar is phonetic and I wasn’t very good at it], quite a likeable fellow. I wish I had some way of getting in touch with [him]. I want to learn more about him.

***

Why are all the good ones taken? Here I am in love again. Damn him! I bet he even has nice legs! Sweet sexy men like him are hard to come by! It’s not fair! [Guy of the moment], why do you have to be taken?

[And then it gets really schmaltzy and I can’t stand writing it down to haunt me further. Suffice to say I was an absolute mooncalf over this guy who had a girlfriend. In my memory, knowing how things turned out, I have painted him as the instigator who led me along, said things were on the rocks with her, snuck around with me behind her back and then cut things off coldly. Now I have to wonder if I wasn’t self-centered, sexy and obsessed and managed to manipulate him into fooling around. Ugh.]

Physical Fear

I don't remember exactly the last time I was physically afraid, but I do remember one particular incident that was very frightening. I was in a canoe accident. The canoe I was in the middle of wrapped itself around a log in the river. Fortunately, none of the 3 of us was trapped between the canoe and the log. We all held on to the canoe in the cold water. I was in the water up to my neck and the current was like something alive trying to drag me away from the canoe. I was terrified; all I could do was hang on to that canoe. My friends pulled me halfway out of the water, but, since I was wearing shorts and my legs were in the water, I was still losing body heat. We caught a garbage bag we had been using in the canoe and I used it to insulate my legs. We sat on that log for an hour while the other members of our group figured out how to rescue us. We dealt with our fear by making jokes and swearing at just about everything within range, especially the canoe. The canoe was bent into a U- shape around the log so we have since referred to the disaster as "the Taco incident".

    I am often afraid in a relationship that it is not going to work out. I am afraid that for some reason we will break up. This fear I can usually overcome because I know I will survive. The fear of death is much, much worse.

[more about boys]

Things are strange this week. I'm going out Sunday with [older guy] (oh joy oh rapture unforeseen) Nick wants to know what kind of candy I like. John wrote a note on my test. Greg is sick, but he would have gone. What fun! Nathan's a git, but nothing's perfect. Not much to do this weekend; No anatomy, no french, some English (actually a lot) probably no gov't, and pies for probs.

    I like to go to the exploratorium. (My computer training shows through, I have a hard time writing 'go to' without writing 'goto')

    Oh blessed friday. What nonsense.

Logic by T-shirts

"If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't shit" therefore cowboys are shit. Somehow I don't think thats what the person had in mind.

Them Guys

Too many pretties
to chose my favorite,
and what if they're ugly inside?

THAT Guy

He may be a good boy
but he tries to get revenge
on me for being loved.
Oh hateful creature,
I will not accept
I will not feel guilty.
What you fail to understand
you cannot punish me for.
Don't even try, I won't listen
I don't want to hear
you will deny it all
because you still don't understand.

[angst again]

I'm depressed today. I want to go out with somebody; but I'm worried. If I ask them will they shy off. I don't know what to do.

Greg: It might change a good friendship into something bad.

John: Might get scared off.

Nick: "    +

[older guy]: Might want one thing only.

[handwriting gets VERY bad here on:]
My glasses cost too much money and they don't even fit. I've probably ruined them already!

Freewriting

    One nice thing about a school as big as this is that it is possible to avoid people. N. is just repulsive to me now. I don't want to have any contact with him at all. Maybe that seems really cold, but he just dumps on me too much. I want to kick him.

    John is still attractive. I enjoy his company, but I have a hard time with his [tobacco] chewing, etc. (especially the etc.) Greg is fun to flirt with, but I think things will work out better if we just keep it at flirting. N. is ugly. I don't even want to look at him. [older guy (by a few years) met through Ren Faire crowd]. Why would Roderic tell me to watch out for guys like him? Mayhaps I shall ask [older guy]. I think I'll try to tame [older guy]. He pushes but he does check. I will have to be very careful. Maybe I'll even talk to Roderic about it. [Older guy] is very pretty. Why does it bother me that John parties and not that [older guy] does? Is [older guy] any more trustworthy?

freewriting: Good friends

I have a lot of friends who I believe are good people. I don't know a lot of people really well, but I do have a wide range of friends. I lost a friend. He and I went to school together from about kindergarten on and for most of that time we lived about a block apart. But something changed recently, he is cold and distant. I am sorry to have lost his companionship.

    I like people who speak their mind, who stand up for themselves on being different. People who do what they really feel like doing yet can also consider other peoples' needs. My friends can be gentle and caring and considerate without compromising their needs. I like independent people, people who will not be offended if I am busy or just don't feel like talking, people who will know that if something is wrong I will tell them and we will work it out. I like people who have qualities I like about myself, but complete identicalness doesn't sound very nice. I like to learn and I can learn from people with some things in common and some differences. The quality in common helps me to understand the differences.