He is awfully goodlooking. I hope I didn't screw everything up with that flower. I don't think I did. He told me this morning how he did on a test he took. Maybe he's actually shy!? How strange that is. I am so disgusted with Nathan D. He doesn't relax, he doesn't even eat chocolate chip cookie dough! He guilt-slings and I just can't handle much of his company at one time. He doesn't play, he's awkward and that creates tension in me. I guess I like the naughty boys better. You are too nice for me, Nathan.
Page #'s for Macbeth 1-7, 16, 94-102
Relationships are confusing. [Current boyfriend] lives in Novato. I haven't seen him for a month and he asked me to go steady with him then. That isn't working. I never see him, he doesn't write or call. I just hope he wants to break up as much as I do. I think it may have just been a really superficial attraction. I don't think we have that much in common. His father doesn't like me. So I want to break up with him. I'm not ready to go steady. I want to be able to go out with people I like and not worry about whether it's o.k. or not because of their sex. I have been attracted to so many people who are older and more experienced than I, that it is very strange to spend a lot of time with someone who is younger and as cautious and worried as Nathan [not old-pal, gaming buddy Nathan; some other guy] is. I have more in common with him than with [current boyfriend], but, despite it's being flattering, being admired that much is a little unnerving. And what about John [kicker from the football team who would wear shorts to class, *sigh!*], if there was ever a purely superficial attraction there it is. Or Greg, he's just a friend, but he seems awfully fond of me. I'm not used to being so flattered.
1. I'll talk to him about what his needs are and see if we can find a way to meet both of our needs.
2. I can stay the whole year, relax and have fun. [Instead of trying to finish high school early]
3. I can get my easy homework done at school leaving time at home for anatomy.
4. My paper for American Problems is now due Monday.
5. I can go to bed earlier or just live with being tired.
6. I will see him this weekend.
7. I don't need to.
8. I don't have to decide until next month.
9. I can pick fleas in my spare time.
10. I can get it done at school.
11. I can call him.
12. I can wait until Saturday.
13. I don't "have to" do anything.
14. I can relax, slow down and enjoy life more.
15. I can stop buying candy.
16. I can change that.
17. I can pay it.
18. He doesn't have to spend a lot of money on me, I just need some of his attention.
19. My hair is still pretty.
20. I can wait 'til I get home.
21. I still have to ask my parents and talk to [current boyfriend] about it.
1. [Current boyfriend] doesn't call or write enough.
2. I need a 1/2 a unit of U.S. History. [Oh, just realized that I must at this point be in public school not the private school writing classes I've been picturing as I transcribe this old spiral notebook.]
3. Anatomy isn't easy.
4. My paper for American Problems is due friday.
5. I'm tired.
6. I miss [current boyfriend].
7. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
8. I don't know whether or not to stay the whole year here at Alhambra or not.
9. Our dogs have fleas.
10. I have homework.
11. I need to talk to [current boyfriend].
12. I need to hug [current boyfriend].
13. I "have to" do work.
14. I haven't been having enough fun.
15. I haven't got a steady source of money other than allowance and babysitting.
16. I am getting greedy about money.
17. I am going to have a big phone bill.
18. [Current boyfriend] won't (at least not from calls to Martinez)
19. I have split ends.
20. I need to take a shower, I feel grubby.
21. I want to go to the movies and the party on Halloween, but I'm not sure if I'll have time to do both or if my parents will let me go to the party.
After taking Night School, I Graduate from High School in January and begin at DVC [Diablo Valley College, community college] for the first 9 week spring courses. I get a job at the library and work there until the end of May when Mo [my aunt], Aimee [???], [current boyfriend], and I go to Europe. I am able to resume my job at the library when I get back and I continue to live with my parents until the fall of 1984. I then go to a 4 year college for my Junior and Senior years. [current boyfriend] graduates in Spring of '85 and gets a job by Christmas. I graduate in '86, continue working part time at a library, and get a Part-time bookkeeping or programming [I think I was learning Basic around this time] job. In the fall of '86 [current boyfriend] has gotten fairly secure in his work and I get just the kind of job I want in November. We make plans to marry in April 1987. David Patrick [last name of current boyfriend] is born August 10, 1987.
[Hoo boy am I glad this didn't come true. I'd have a 22 year old and a mother-in-law who may or may not have ever learned to like or trust me. Brrr. Reading it is like a goose walking over my grave. – August 2009]
I want to go home and hide in my room. I could get so much done if I didn't have so much homework. I could work on my weyr [Incredibly complex project at tracking imaginary statistical history of an Anne McCaffrey inspired world]. I could go to the bank. I'm so tired these days. Overloaded with homework, not doing all the chores I should at home. Certainly not getting enough sleep. What are they doing up there? They are banging things around all over. What class is that? I'm going to talk to [boyfriend of the moment] tonight. We should start to write each other: it would be a great dealer cheaper than phone calls.
I'm worried about his operation tomorrow. I hope he isn't in too much pain over the weekend. I'd like to send him flowers, maybe Jinx [my mum] can deliver them during her lunch break or on her way home. I would like to send him flowers and cookies and loving letters to tide him over until next weekend. I don't want him to be alone and hurting. I feel so helpless, like I can't do anything to make it easier for him. I'll buy stamps this afternoon and write him letters every day or every other day. Hopefully he will write me too. I think he will.
I don’t want to write about rain, so I won’t. [Yeah, I was a pretty pigheaded young girl.] I want somebody to spend time with. I’m tired of being alone. It doesn’t have to be a boyfriend, although that would be nice. I’m tired of spending all my time by myself, at home, with Jinx and Paul [my parents].
It would be so nice to have someone to hold, to whisper to in class, to go out with.
It seems like people expect me to want to be by myself.
[In retrospect, and certainly when I read things like this, I think it would have been better for me to have gone to public school for my junior and senior years of high school. I would have thrown fits about being forced to do it, but it would have been really good for me to have been in a school of over 1000 people instead of one of 80.]
I couldn’t stop with [boy o’ the moment]. Sigh.
I will talk to [boy o’ the moment] tomorrow. (I hope he’s there). Maybe if I know he doesn’t love me, than [sic] I will leave him alone and if he does love me, (oh please!) than [sic] I haven’t got anything to worry about (ha ha).
I’m still after [boy o’ the moment] anyway.