Finding my feet

Finally, after what feels like months of mental and physical chaos, I woke up this morning with things going right and nothing to dread or worry about. Sure, there’s stuff to do – my place is still rather a mess and I need to do repairs and cleaning at the Mountain View house – but I finally feel like I’ve got my feet under me again. What a relief!

Well, that did help

Not only did I ride the bike, I also read Writing Down The Bones which I highly recommend to kickstart your brain and still the negative voices.

I was thinking that a big part of my frustration these days is that I’m not getting to fully commit myself to my true art. I’m a lover. I don’t mean that just in the sexual sense; I mean my strongest creative passion is to give love and to get it in return. Now I can satisfy some of that just by loving the world and my friends and my family. That’s good. But I long for more, for a true partner in this art. Aching for that drags me down, but I don’t want to give up the goal of finding a lover with whom I share emotional connection, intellectual excitement, sexual compatibility, interests and dreams. It’s not something you can just make happen. It’s rare to find a simultaneous connection on a few of these, let alone all. So what’s my path to stop wanting so much? My way to patience? I haven’t found it yet, but it seems like it must be around here somewhere…


You know, it’s time to throw out this archaic notion of age 30 as old or beginning middle age or whatever it is that gets people in such a tizzy. Average American lifespans are in the 70’s if not 80’s and people are enjoying more of that time than ever, so 30 has little significance other than marking the point by which you’ve probably figured out a lot of what you like AND how to get it. So hooray for that and quit fussing over growing older. It’s good, baby, it’s all good.

Besides, I mean, come on, THIS is a 30 year old:

I rest my case.

Got a little work done

Got a little work done on the site (updates to the Pals page) and then played The Sims. After a while I realized that I needed to live up to the meta in my handle and do this right:

Observed: Dinah is stressed. She keeps making that tension gesture guarding her head.
Stimuli: Have her play games and eat popcorn.
Result: Fun level increasing, Hunger decreasing, but still stressed.

Observed: Dinah keeps having her Sims go take hot baths and read books.
Stimuli: Put Dinah in hot bath with Marion Zimmer Bradley’s The Mists of Avalon which she has never read despite many recommendations. Scent bathwater with violet mineral salts and light a small candle. Also provide a banana and a glass of cool water.
Result: Fun increasing, Comfort increasing, Room increasing (indicating satisfaction with environment), Hunger decreasing. Excellent!

See? Video games are educational.

Ode to sleep

(Last night’s post was at 12:45am, not a quarter to ten. I don’t reel about in a scratchy-eyed worry before 10pm usually)

Didn’t play Diablo last night. Instead I shopped for books with the “Flooz” money which Fil gave me for Christmas. I got two books about geisha (Memoirs of a Geisha and Geisha) and a Nick Drake CD, Bryter Layter. Thanks, Fil! Exactly what I wanted!

I went to bed and got to sleep and, since momma don’t raise no fools, slept in late. Woke at one point in the middle of a work-related dream, realized I wasn’t destressed yet, and slept in later. Brighter later.

Work is not making me as stressful these days.

I’ve taken to using the Web to dispel tension. When I find my head in a non-productive loop, I take a couple minutes and visit favorite weblogs (PyrAlert, Evhead, Megnut, Onfocus, Peterme, Justin!) or check email. There is something really satisfying about clearing out the piles of stuff in your emailbox to give you a sensation of lightening your load. Illusory perhaps, but it is as if each of those undeleted messages is a string going to your head and it feels so delightful to cut some of them. I find my blog is a good way to deal with things that I don’t yet want to delete; by sharing the link, mentioning the thing I want to read but haven’t yet, or voicing an idea, I can transfer that pending item into a place where I can find it again if I need to and then delete the mail. Ahhhh. So relaxing.

Tell me something important. Really important.

For example, my life must include:

  • laughing
  • cuddling
  • stupid time
    (e.g. playing computer games)
  • good food
    (fat free food is fine, just make it good)
  • self-gratifying projects.

Ok, now forget telling me what’s important; tell yourself.

How are you fitting your important things into the next 24 hours?

A good life

Well, I’ve called my biological mother (answering machine), my stepmother (no answer), my ex-partner’s mother (answering machine) and my ex-mother-in-law (answering machine). Very thorough, if ineffective. I’ll email ’em.

Spent much of the day taking digital pictures of various old stuff – little porcelain animals, interesting knick knacks, toys, 20-40 year old Mad magazines, etc. – from various closets in my family’s former and soon to be former homes. I’ll be going hogwild on eBay this week and hope to rake in a bundle of cash to ease the hassle of my grandparents’ move from the central valley to the north coast.

The picture-taking was courtesy of Jeff Anderson’s loan of a digital camera. Thanks, Jeff! Now that I think of it, I may spend the first chunk of cash from all these sales on getting a digital camera of my own. It sure would come in handy as these are by far not the last things which we need to sell on eBay.

I’ve had a very good weekend. Edmond & I read and watched tv Friday night after work. He tapes various shows during the week so we saw Voyager (eh, ok) and a really great episode of Deep Space Nine – there are some excellent performers on that show and the characters and scripting are wonderful. Also caught a bit of Home Movies (or something like that), another animated show a bit in the style of Dr. Katz on Comedy Central – very peculiar, but quite funny. At some point this weekend we also saw Family Guy (or That Family Guy or something similar) which didn’t really grab me at all and King of the Hill which does for trailer trash what Garrison Keillior did for Lutherans. Oh and I think it was Friday night that we had dinner out on Edmond’s balcony or patio or whatever you want to call it. (“I used to have a deck, then I started going out with her and now I have a veranda.”) We used some of the fresh herbs I planted in the pasta sauce. It was very nice out there, but still too chilly. We’re both looking forward to eating out there more once the weather gets hot.

I could find links for all the above, but my computer is being very cranky. Netscape has been a bit flaky ever since I installed the “new version” when I got my DSL line and ISP service through PacBell. As near as I can tell the only thing special about it is that the logo in the corner changed from the Netscape logo to the PacBell logo. Not worth a huge download even at DSL speeds. (Actually, considering the lousy throughput I’m getting tonight, I think PacBell DSL wasn’t worth it).

Yesterday Edmond and I were very relaxed yet also strangely productive. After a nice breakfast, we cleaned our respective apartments. He actually mopped & dusted & vacuumed. I just picked up and put things away and took out trash & recycling. Edmond is a tidier person than I. Then we went erranding. We sold books at Bookbuyers, dropped off donations at Goodwill, bought a summer-weight comforter, dropped off the winter-weight comforter at the drycleaner’s, bought groceries & stamps, ate a late lunch in the park and dropped off the unsold books with the Friends of the Library. Wow. And then we went around for the rest of the evening feeling great because we’d gotten so much off our to-do lists. A wonderful feeling.

Today was very different from last Sunday, instead of feeling a step behind, we both felt relaxed and happy. After a lazy morning, Edmond went off to the gym and thence to work where he planned to putter around with some code, just a little stock ticker application he’s doing for fun. I took pictures of stuff. I took a lot of pictures of stuff. Tomorrow night I’ll have to get them ready for eBay posting. I’ll probably be writing eBay item descriptions all week! I’ve also made more progress wading through the records from my parents’ collection. I have quite a lot I don’t want to keep, so I’ll probably try to sell them at Rasputin’s. I find they have the best used CDs, so I’ll just go get trade credit and turn these into some music I do want. Oh and I made some soup stock.

And I updated my web journal.

Not a bad weekend at all.

Shaking out the mailbag for some loose links I’ve meant to mention.

David Weinberger has a great piece in his Journal of the Hyperlinked Organization (JOHO) called “THE LONGING: The Web and the Return of Voice“.

Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency is really quite difficult to describe, but the writing is excellent.

Well, I’m getting Out of Memory errors, so I’m going to call it a night. That’s the problem with running Windows, you have to reinstall the whole damn operating system every 6 months or things start acting goofy. Time to build a Linux machine.