Sheer laziness and the annoying knowledge that I won’t be kissing anyone tonight led me to eat sardines for dinner.
Somehow the waves of loneliness which strike most people (but probably particularly those who live alone) seem always to crash over me on my drive home. Tired and desolate feeling tonight. The dishes are too nasty to leave for tomorrow, so I’ll do them, but I mostly just want to pull the covers over my head and retreat to the dreamlands.
The Onion is particularly good today. Great lead article and infographic and Onion’s AV Club has a lovely interview with Neil Gaiman.
Very tired. Came to a sad realization about a relationship I wish could work. Wrote a difficult letter. Worked 9 hours. Didn’t solve the problems we hoped to solve. Had a stressful commute home. Started laundry. Washed some of the dishes. Cried. Moved clothes to dryer. Wrapped the rest of the presents that go with me tomorrow. Tried to start a ICQ conversation with an acquaintance I’ve been trying to make friends with. Received no reply. Packed. Picked out music to drive to. Felt sorry for myself. Wrote about it on my website.
I don't remember exactly the last time I was physically afraid, but I do remember one particular incident that was very frightening. I was in a canoe accident. The canoe I was in the middle of wrapped itself around a log in the river. Fortunately, none of the 3 of us was trapped between the canoe and the log. We all held on to the canoe in the cold water. I was in the water up to my neck and the current was like something alive trying to drag me away from the canoe. I was terrified; all I could do was hang on to that canoe. My friends pulled me halfway out of the water, but, since I was wearing shorts and my legs were in the water, I was still losing body heat. We caught a garbage bag we had been using in the canoe and I used it to insulate my legs. We sat on that log for an hour while the other members of our group figured out how to rescue us. We dealt with our fear by making jokes and swearing at just about everything within range, especially the canoe. The canoe was bent into a U- shape around the log so we have since referred to the disaster as "the Taco incident".
I am often afraid in a relationship that it is not going to work out. I am afraid that for some reason we will break up. This fear I can usually overcome because I know I will survive. The fear of death is much, much worse.
I'm depressed today. I want to go out with somebody; but I'm worried. If I ask them will they shy off. I don't know what to do.
Greg: It might change a good friendship into something bad.
John: Might get scared off.
Nick: " +
[older guy]: Might want one thing only.
[handwriting gets VERY bad here on:]
My glasses cost too much money and they don't even fit. I've probably ruined them already!
1. I'll talk to him about what his needs are and see if we can find a way to meet both of our needs.
2. I can stay the whole year, relax and have fun. [Instead of trying to finish high school early]
3. I can get my easy homework done at school leaving time at home for anatomy.
4. My paper for American Problems is now due Monday.
5. I can go to bed earlier or just live with being tired.
6. I will see him this weekend.
7. I don't need to.
8. I don't have to decide until next month.
9. I can pick fleas in my spare time.
10. I can get it done at school.
11. I can call him.
12. I can wait until Saturday.
13. I don't "have to" do anything.
14. I can relax, slow down and enjoy life more.
15. I can stop buying candy.
16. I can change that.
17. I can pay it.
18. He doesn't have to spend a lot of money on me, I just need some of his attention.
19. My hair is still pretty.
20. I can wait 'til I get home.
21. I still have to ask my parents and talk to [current boyfriend] about it.
1. [Current boyfriend] doesn't call or write enough.
2. I need a 1/2 a unit of U.S. History. [Oh, just realized that I must at this point be in public school not the private school writing classes I've been picturing as I transcribe this old spiral notebook.]
3. Anatomy isn't easy.
4. My paper for American Problems is due friday.
5. I'm tired.
6. I miss [current boyfriend].
7. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
8. I don't know whether or not to stay the whole year here at Alhambra or not.
9. Our dogs have fleas.
10. I have homework.
11. I need to talk to [current boyfriend].
12. I need to hug [current boyfriend].
13. I "have to" do work.
14. I haven't been having enough fun.
15. I haven't got a steady source of money other than allowance and babysitting.
16. I am getting greedy about money.
17. I am going to have a big phone bill.
18. [Current boyfriend] won't (at least not from calls to Martinez)
19. I have split ends.
20. I need to take a shower, I feel grubby.
21. I want to go to the movies and the party on Halloween, but I'm not sure if I'll have time to do both or if my parents will let me go to the party.
I feel better today. I’m crazy, so it doesn’t matter if I die.
[boy o’ the moment] is still a fox.
You’re smart when you only believe half of what you read and you’re brilliant if you know which half!
D.O.A. [I think that was a song I recorded off the Dr. Demento show] has made me fill [sic] like I’m going to die. I am scared. I need someone.